


Feeling It Overtake

by briggs



Series: A Version of Events [3]
Category: Eyewitness (US TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, I GENUINELY DONT KNOW HOW TAGS WORK, IT MIGHT NOT EVEN BE ANGST, Light Angst, M/M, i guess?, kind of, maybe you could call this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-25
Updated: 2016-11-25
Packaged: 2018-09-02 05:05:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,342
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8652112
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/briggs/pseuds/briggs
Summary: Philip never thought he'd have to worry about a guy he likes lying about a murder weapon or pitting him against his Sheriff foster parent, but here they are. And for the record, Philip is pissed.ORwhat happened right after episode 6: "the yellow couch"





	

**Author's Note:**

> part three to my series where i just throw some nice fiction in between episodes of eyewitness!!!!!!! anyway i hope you enjoy it. remember, as long as you've seen the show, every part in this series can be read in order OR stand alone. there are some spoilers in these as well.
> 
> (title taken from New Person, Same Old Mistakes by Tame Impala)

The thing is, disaster has always followed Philip wherever he goes.

 

He gets a gentle period of calm, just a little taste of what it would be like if his life were normal _just_ before everything goes down the drain. Before people die, before his mom gets busted, before Lukas decides dumping him isn’t enough -- no, he has to be publicly humiliated.

 

It would be one thing if maybe Lukas texted him. Obviously in person or even a phone call would be better, but Philip would be okay with a text. Just, “don’t talk to me at school.” or, “it’s over, leave me alone.” Anything would have been fine. Anything but looking like an idiot, being called a stalker by none other than Lukas himself, getting laughed and booed out of a party with empty bottles flying dangerously close to his face.

 

Philip made the mistake of thinking Lukas actually cared about him. Thinking maybe -- maybe Lukas liked _him_ instead of _the idea._ But the truth is that Lukas found the first way to rebel, the first guy in town who also liked guys, and used him. He didn’t stop at simply kissing Philip when he’s not supposed to, no, he had to make Philip believe they could be something -- that maybe Lukas would sacrifice something for him one day.

 

What an idiotic thought.

 

Philip has been through this all before, and it all ends the same. He falls for a guy, a close friend, the guy feels a little adventurous one day and kisses him back, then pretends it never happened and Philip doesn’t exist. He’s sick. He’s tired of being used and then abused and ignored by the people he’s foolish enough to actually like.

 

And for Lukas to tell Helen he’s lying, that Philips the one who isn’t telling the truth -- just for the fucking hell of it -- tell her that _he’s_ the one getting into drugs? God, it’s just icing on the cake. Adding insult to injury onto insult that’s baked inside of injury.

 

No, if Lukas ever felt anything real for Philip, none of this would have happened. He’s got to get real with himself, stop tricking himself into believing that maybe guys like Lukas might like him back, because it clearly never ends well.

 

That’s why he calls Child Protective Services. It has nothing to do with Helen or Gabe, except for maybe the fact that Helen treats him like a suspect in armed robbery. The real problem is that there’s no way for him to continue in that town, literally none at all. He’s been hated since the moment he stepped in the school simply for being new, and Lukas’ clever ways to keep their… thing a secret have obviously outcast him more than he ever was before.

 

There’s no way anyone in that school is going to even _think_ about talking to him now, especially after the only person he’s talked to in the school dying.

 

Popularity -- or even a comfortable school environment or whatever -- is off the table. With Lukas lying about everything that happened in the cabin, plus probably taking the gun that Philip told Helen and Gabe about, and the stupid story he told about Billy -- there’s no way anyone’s going to trust him anymore, either. He’s a foster kid from New York City, born to a drug-addicted mother and an absent father, who came to small-town upstate New York and didn’t talk to anyone. If his rep weren’t already suspicious enough before, it sure is now.

 

Not to mention Lukas lying to his father about everything, about the fights at school and the drugs and the stealing and -- God, there’s no wonder why his dad doesn’t like Helen and Gabe _or_ Philip. None of them are ever going to trust him again -- he’s got a new reputation now, and there’s no way the adults are going to let him reform that from here unless Lukas miraculously decides to start telling the truth.

 

Fat chance.

 

The last thing -- the most important, the reason he most needs to leave -- is Lukas. There’s no way for them to move forward, not while Lukas is still so concerned with biking and championships and his father’s opinion and his image. He’s not willing to sacrifice anything at this point, and that means he doesn’t care enough.

 

If Philip leaves, maybe Lukas will finally get a wake-up call. But if he doesn’t, it means he has to walk around school every day, see Lukas’ face, looking at him like he’s something to be ashamed of. He’d be met, every day, with the fact that Lukas didn’t like him enough -- didn’t think he was _worth_ the trouble. No matter how much fun they had together on their own, Lukas is ashamed of him in public, and there’s clearly no changing that.

 

Philip runs up to his room, throwing shit in a bag. It’s not all his stuff -- not that there’s that much of it anyway -- but he really only needs an overnight bag for now, and they’ll come back and get the rest of it later. He blinks through the tears that form in his eyes, and he hates it. He hates that this is the kind of shit that follows him everywhere, he hates crying, and he hates crying over douchebags. He clenches his jaw and does his best to tell himself that assholes like Lukas doesn’t deserve to be cried over.

 

That’s what Lukas is, more than anything. He’s a coward and an asshole, and if he’s so preoccupied with being Mr. Heterostraight, then he can go right back to playing pretend once Philip is gone.

 

And once Philip is back in the big city, that’s it. He can go to whatever gay bars he wants, he can hit on random guys and-- and make out in the corner and just-- be proud. Really be okay with who he is -- and maybe soon he’ll find someone else who doesn’t treat him like shit.

 

Eventually he’s getting in the truck, sitting with his arms crossed, waiting for Child Protective Services to show up and assess the situation. Or maybe Helen and Gabe are taking him to CPS? He honestly has no clue, but he needs to get out, and he needs to get out fast. He needs to be free of this place, free to make new decisions and make himself a new person. He actually can’t wait until he can lie in a different bed and think to himself about what a weird fever dream this has been.

 

He’s sitting in the car, staring at the back of the driver’s seat when Lukas rides up.

 

It’s not Philip’s fault if his mind goes everywhere. He can’t look away, he’s never been able to help himself when it comes to Lukas. He’s pissed, he’s fucking furious, and he doesn’t want to talk to Lukas at all.

 

But at the same time, it’s Lukas. He has this magnetic pull that Philip can’t ignore, no matter how hard he tries or pretends, from the first moment Lukas started talking to him at the end of photography club.

 

So he stares a little. Whatever, right? He’s still pissed, he’s allowed to be curious as to why the _fuck_ Lukas has decided to show up at his house somehow on the _exact day_ he’s being taken back to Child Protective Services. Startlingly convenient, it’s like Lukas decided he was going to make Philip pay for something by simply making him squirm for as long as humanly possible. _Something_ being maybe Philip selling him out to Helen and Gabe about the cabin and the gun after repeated pleas from Lukas not to--

 

Okay, maybe it’s not that far off of a guess. Maybe actually quite plausible, depending on how petty Lukas truly is.

 

Or hey, maybe he just genuinely decided that caring about Philip was no longer worth it, or Philip had pissed him off too much, and the minute he realized that Philip wouldn’t always be there to kiss him as soon as he decided Philip was worth his time again, Lukas got scared and is now trying to get him back. He’s selfish, and conceited, and of course Philip’s problems in life are only a concern to Lukas if it affects when he’s going to get off next.

 

God, Philip told himself he’d never let himself be this stupid again. And yet here he is, biting the inside of his cheek and trying not to explode or run or cry or say something stupid to this guy who’s given him almost more grief than _witnessing a triple homicide_ has.

 

And then Lukas reveals the gun.

 

And then Lukas confesses that he’s the liar.

 

He confesses that he did witness the murders.

 

And that’s when Philip stops chewing his cheek, probably looking at Lukas like he just grew a second head and then ate it, but he can’t help it. It’s -- it’s the last thing he expected the boy to do. His jaw doesn’t drop, he won’t allow Lukas that brand of satisfaction just in case that’s what he’s looking for, but he’s definitely shaken.

 

Lukas just keeps explaining to Helen, with sidelong glances at Philip every couple of words or so, and he’s speaking so fast and he’s clearly so stressed -- it’s just confusing.

 

Philip has spent the last day or so convincing himself that there was nothing more for him in Tivoli, that there was no reason for him to wait around until Lukas finally decided it was time to finally give up a tiny bit of his pride for him. And then here he is, of course, coming marching in the minute Philip is almost done with it all forever.

 

Philip wants to be mad. He really, really does. But Lukas looks at him, and keeps looking at him while Helen examines the gun, and God, he just looks broken.

 

Sure, Philip is used to broken people he can’t fix. But this one looks like he actually wants Philip to try. Lukas looks like maybe he wants to fix Philip as much as Philip wants to fix him, and even including his mom, that’s a new concept.

 

Finally, Philip breaks their stare, looks away out the other window and crosses his arms. It can’t be that easy for Lukas to just flash his puppy dog eyes and break his way back into Philip’s life regardless of what he’s done. It’s not fair, and it’s ridiculous. At the very least, Philip needs to put up a good fight. He’s pissed, he’s still pissed, and if he decides Lukas gets the gift of Philip actually breathing a word in his direction, it’s not going to be a nice word.

 

“Philip,” he says finally, after turning away from Helen, who’s still holding the gun in her hands and looking at it with her mouth open like the gun just opened its barrel and started speaking politics. Philip doesn’t turn around, no matter how much he wants to, and instead watches through the rear-view mirror as Lukas starts edging his way closer to the window of the truck. “Philip, I never meant any of it. I -- I’m sorry.”

 

He refuses to turn, even then. Even when Lukas’ voice gets softer, breaks, and he can see him walking carefully over to the car like he knows Philip has a right to be bad and might yell at him at any given moment.

 

For a moment, it looks like Lukas might do the unthinkable: walk away from Philip at a time like this. Usually he just kisses Philip into silence, or convinces him to start talking again, but this time -- this time it looks like maybe he thinks he really deserves the silence. He takes a breather before speaking again.

 

Lukas’ voice is a thousand times softer. It’s broken, like him, like them, and sounds a little hoarse. “Please, Philip. Just look at me?”

 

It’s hard. God, it’s so fucking hard to ignore him. It’s never been this fucking difficult for Philip to act like he doesn’t care, and it’s never been this painful either. He fights it for as long as he possibly can, until Lukas whines another “Please?” and Philip decides he just wants to see the pain on Lukas’ face. That’s it, that’s the only reason he turns around.

 

But then Lukas’ face looks more pained than his voice. He’s not the type to show a lot of emotion, not since Philip has known him, not unless it’s laughter that he’s allowed to have. Philip easily got the sense within days of knowing Lukas that every sign of weakness had probably been beaten out of him by his father, Bo. Maybe not necessarily physically, but there’s a lot of damage some harsh words can do over your childhood, too.

 

Maybe it was Lukas’ mother that stabilized their family, and specifically Bo. He doesn’t want to pry, so he probably won’t ask, but Philip wonders if maybe Lukas only started getting it bad after his mom died. It’s probably crossing a line for him to even wonder, but Philip can’t help thinking that maybe Bo blames his son for his wife’s death

 

It’s hard to figure out answers to any of those questions. Even at dinner when Lukas and Bo came to royally fuck Philip’s happiness up for good, Bo seemed like his top priority was protecting Lukas.

 

Lukas’ broken expression snaps Philip back to reality, and he has to look away again. He can’t sit there staring at Lukas as he falls apart in front of him, regardless of whether he has the power to stop it or not. He’s not even sure Lukas deserves a response after everything he’s done to Philip; the lying, the social outcasting, words that would have hurt whether people were there to watch or not.

 

In the end, he holds his ground as long as he possibly can, but Lukas just stands there, leaning against the door to the car, and doesn’t move. He’s turned away from Philip now, seems like he might be giving up, but he just runs his hands over his face and stays there. Eventually, when Philip can’t take looking at him through the rear-view mirror anymore, he turns in his seat and puts a hand on Lukas’ shoulder through the open car window.

 

What even Philip is forgetting here is that this has been hell on Lukas, too. And sure, maybe he’s not handling it in the best way, and he’s hurting Philip a lot in the process, but he’s going through some shit. Of all people, Philip should know that. He’s dealing with a homophobic father, some clear internal bullshit, Rose is probably on his ass wondering what’s wrong, and then there’s the whole triple-homicide bullshit and the fallout from that as well.

 

Lukas needs someone to comfort him even through the pain, and while Philip’s still pretty pissed, he’s also pretty sure there’s no one else who would do that for him. No one knows their situations like each other.

 

And besides, Lukas came. Not only did he come, not only is he doing his best to show Philip he actually cares, but he confessed to Helen. He admitted to lying, and he brought the gun. And as soon as that was over, his immediate thought was to go directly to Philip.

 

Lukas turns around slowly, causing Philip’s hand to slide off his shoulder, and he moves in closer to the vehicle, ducking his head inside to really look at Philip. “I’m sorry. I-- Philip, I’m so sorry, please don’t go. I can’t-- Philip, you can’t leave me here--”

 

Philip shuts him up with single look, resisting the urge to kiss Lukas through the window. “It’s okay,” Philip wants to say, even though for a long time it wasn’t, but he knows he can yell at Lukas later, and he can comfort him later, too. Right now, there are other things to deal with -- like Helen, the gun, and the incoming Child Protective Services vehicle.

 

*

 

When later rolls around, it’s almost a full 24 hours later. After you’ve made a call like Philip did, Child Protective Services doesn’t really agree to fuck off if you ask really nicely. They had to take Philip in, to a secure location and assess him, even after he told them it was fine and he wanted to say. CPS said nothing to Helen or Gabe, who in turn had nothing to tell to Lukas, and so Philip was gone for a full day without any of them knowing what was happening, where he went, or if he was coming back.

 

Social Services have Philip’s best interest in mind, they frankly don’t particularly care about Helen and Gabe or Lukas unless Philip directly asks them to. And even in this case, because he’s only 17, they simply ignored that request anyway.

 

It’s good, though. Philip is lucky he hasn’t been difficult recently and made multiple false calls to CPS, or he’d be having a lot more trouble with them. Instead, he just had to convince them that he was just going through a rough time, and he talked about Lukas (very vaguely) and their kind of-break up (extremely vaguely), as well as some of his school issues. He did his best to persuade them that he really wanted to stick it through, and that he had a plan in place to help make his life better (more vague than he has ever said anything before).

 

They were very uneasy about letting him go back, refused to let him call Helen and Gabe just in case they were giving him direction on how to get out of there and go home as quickly as possible. CPS is super sensitive to this kind of stuff and is always careful, just in case there really is an abusive environment and the parents coach the kid into what to say to CPS so that they’ll return to the abusive environment. It makes sense, it just doesn’t apply to Philip’s situation, and is kind of making things difficult for him. So understandable, but frustrating nonetheless.

 

Eventually they conceded, forced him to stay overnight so they could check up on him, and then drove him back to small-town Tivoli so life could pound his ass a second time.

 

Lukas is waiting at his house even when he returnes, who knows why, but Philip is thankful. Helen and Gabe are on the front porch with him, all three of them drinking coffee, and Philip has to take a second to wonder how long they’ve all been there. Have they been waiting since the morning? Did Lukas stay over? What would his dad say about that?

 

He gets out of the CPS vehicle slowly, walking up to his own house with his head down. Whether they were waiting for him or not, the fact is that he’s returned to Gabe and Helen after asking to be removed from their home for almost no reason. It had nothing to do with them, and he’s  -- God, he’s ashamed. Helen and Gabe don’t need that, he didn’t need to make the call in front of them, and he certainly should have explained himself instead of leaving them to wonder what the hell they did wrong. Maybe not believing him was a bit of a dick move, but he really can’t ask that much of a cop who can’t find a murder weapon that Philip could have been lying about. Isn’t that illegal?

 

“Philip,” Gabe exclaims, sounding relieved and a little breathless, and he stands up immediately, starting to walk toward him. Helen, whose head was hung in her hands in her lap sitting on the porch stairs, lifts her head to look at Philip walking closer with a small smile on her face.

 

Lukas immediately stands up. He doesn’t follow Gabe, but he looks like he wants to move, he just can’t force himself to. Philip looks up at all of them, Gabe advancing on him with a soft smile and arms wide open, ready to welcome him home with a hug. He doesn’t deserve this. He can’t help staring at Lukas while he hugs Gabe, and Lukas just looks right back at him. They don’t say anything, they barely blink, but as Gabe walks him back to the house, he invites Lukas inside with them for dinner. He hesitates, but at last he looks at Philip again and follows them in.

 

Dinner is quiet. He and Lukas eat across from each other, and Helen has just gotten into asking about what happened at Child Protective Services when Philip interrupts. “Sorry, um -- I just don’t want to talk about that right now.” Gabe looks at him with an understanding nod, and then glances back to his wife, who puts up her hands in surrender. “Yeah, actually I’m kind of tired, so --”

 

“Okay,” Helen says, taking a bite of her dinner. “Lukas can come by again tomorrow, if you want, and if his father says it’s--”

 

“Actually, um, I was wondering if we could just go upstairs for a bit?” He looks between Gabe and Helen and then at Lukas himself. He stopped eating a while ago, but he looks at Philip like even if he had an appetite right now, it would disappear anyway. “I think I need to talk to him, if that’s okay.”

 

There’s a small break before Gabe is nodding, and Philip kind of hates the knowing look in his eye, but he’s also kind of grateful for it, too. All three of the boys look to Helen, who swallows her food. She assesses each of them before she sighs just slightly and says, “I guess I don’t see why not. Stay in the house, though.”

 

“Of course. Thanks,” Philip says, getting up and backing away from the table, encouraging Lukas to follow suit.

 

Lukas looks around quickly, gets up, and awkwardly says, “Uh, t-thanks for dinner, Mr. Caldwell, Sheriff Torrance.”

 

“You’re welcome, boys,” Gabe says, smiling softly again. “And just Gabe is fine, Lukas.”

 

Lukas gives an awkward nod before he’s walking to catch up with Philip, who leads him upstairs to his room.

 

*

 

Once they’re up in Philip’s room, with the door closed, Lukas immediately pulls Philip in for a hug. He grips his shoulders, digging his face into Philip’s neck, and instinctively, Philip raises a hand to grip around Lukas’ waist in return.

 

It’s not long before he’s whispering, “No,” and then saying it, and then pushing Lukas away and saying “no” again. He pushes until Lukas is staring at him, open-mouthed, while Philip takes a deep breath and gathers his thoughts. “We have some shit to talk about, we’re not just going to ignore it again.” He takes a deep breath, looks Lukas directly in the eye, and continues. “You can’t keep doing this to me, Lukas. I’m not your dirty little secret, okay?”

 

“Philip,” Lukas says, walking closer, and Philip backs up again.

 

“No, let me finish,” He says, raising a hand. “What’s your plan, huh? Lie forever, life your life with Rose, hiding from a murderer we’ll never know if they catch? If he kills more people, are you okay with that being on you? And what about me? If it’s fine, if you’re okay kissing Rose, telling yourself you’re straight and never seeing me again, then by all means,” Philip takes a deep breath, his eyes closed. He swallows and clenches his jaw, opening his eyes to look up at Lukas again. “I won’t stop you.”

 

Lukas’ eyes are wide, and he runs a hand through his hair. “Philip, I brought the gun, remember? I told Helen about the murderer and she asked me if I could identify him in a line-up! He’s going to get put in jail, and- and then we can--”

 

“No, Lukas, didn’t you hear me? Even if the guy is gone, what about me and Rose? You can’t keep doing this. I don’t deserve it and neither does Rose.”

 

He just stares while Lukas paces around the room, unable to respond. “I don’t know, Philip! It’s not that easy! I-I like you,” he says, quieter than the two exclamations before it, and actually looks Philip in the eye to say it. “But it’s not right, I’m not allowed to. I shouldn’t like you, but I do, and Rose-- Rose is the perfect cover. The school can’t know I like you, okay, and neither can my dad, but-- but you can know, and we can do stuff as long as Rose is still my girlfriend.”

 

“How does that not sound fucked up coming out of your mouth? She’s a _person,_ Lukas, whether you want to have sex with her or not, and stringing her along so you can have an alibi for when you’re with me is cruel!” Philip crosses his arms, standing by his window on the side of the room facing the door. “And if you see nothing wrong with keeping me as your side fuck, your little bitch, then get out. If you can’t understand why that makes me angry, I want you to get the _fuck_ out of my room. Right now.”

 

Lukas looks up at him again, the exact same expression, eyes wide and mouth hanging open. “What?”

 

Philip swallows. “You heard me.”

 

“Philip,” Lukas pleads again, walking closer, and it’s becoming apparent that just whining Philip’s name is Lukas’ go-to plan for when Philip is mad at him.

 

And this time, Philip is determined to make sure it doesn’t work. He backs away again, pursing his lips and keeping his arms crossed.  Lukas can’t keep getting out of this without addressing the problem -- he can’t get the best of both worlds, not caring about who he hurts in the process. No, it’s time for him to decide. “No, I want an answer.”

 

Lukas sighs, and it seems for a moment like he’s going to make the decision right then and there. For a moment, it looks like the answer isn’t going to be Philip.

 

And for that moment, Philip is petrified.

 

But instead, Lukas goes slack, all the tension releasing out of his body, and this time he really pleads with Philip. It’s not a coercive plea, not one to make Philip forget how mad he is. He just looks up at him, stays where he is, and bites his lip. “I know you want an answer, but I can’t -- I can’t give you one right now. I just miss you, and I thought you were going away for good, and can’t-- can’t we just lie here for a while? Like we did a couple nights ago? I promise I’ll make a decision later, Philip, I just -- I’m,” he says, his voice cracking on the last word, “I’m so tired, Philip, please.”

 

It’s impossible to say no to any of it. This reaction is so different to how Lukas usually is with Philip -- defensive and prideful -- that Philip can’t ignore it. He’s still mad, and he’ll still hold Lukas to a decision, but in this moment, they’re both wrecked. Lukas has to deal with both internalized and societal homophobia on top of everything they’re going through together, and if Philip should be cut some slack for dealing with shame from Lukas, Lukas should be cut some slack for fearing of shame from his friends and family. Not to mention, that’s the first time Lukas has ever properly come out and said “I miss you.”

 

If there’s nothing else, all they have in this is each other.

 

They survived a triple homicide together, and a total of four consecutive murders after that. The town’s population is literally diminishing every time they make out, and all they have there is each other.

 

It’s them against the world, and now that Helen has two new leads on the case, that fight is hopefully going to get a lot easier from here.

 

Maybe Philip should cut Lukas some slack with the decision, maybe give him until after they’ve _stopped fearing for their lives_ to force him to give a definitive answer.

 

He sighs deeply, unfolding his arms, and though he doesn’t say anything, Lukas takes a tentative step forward. “Please,” he says again, and he’s said please more times since he showed up on the property yesterday than Philip has heard the entire time they’ve known each other. When Philip doesn’t yell at him or take another step back, Lukas takes it as permission to keep moving. He approaches Philip by the window until they’re inches from each other, foreheads close and Lukas’ head tipped town to look Philip in the eye.

 

“You’ll have to choose eventually,” Philip says, softly, as Lukas lowers his head to rest his forehead against Philip’s.

 

“I know,” Lukas whispers in response, staring in Philip’s eyes, waiting.

 

Philip holds back for as long as possible, for his own pride and to make Lukas squirm, before he’s tilting his head up to catch Lukas’ lips in his own.

 

Lukas responds eager but soft, licking into Philip’s mouth. He slows right down when Philip does, setting the pace, and tentatively wraps his arms around Philip’s waist. Their breathing is heavy when they part, just briefly, just long enough for Philip to whisper, “Come on,” and lead them to his bed.

 

Before they even fall down, Lukas is kissing him again, his lips warm, seemingly unable to help himself. He falls back onto the bed, pulling Philip down on top of him, barely even breaking the kiss. His hands fall to Philip’s ass, grabbing it before running down to his thighs, persuading each of them to either side of Lukas’ hips to straddle him.

 

He must admit, with the way Lukas first kissed him in the cabin that day, Philip never thought it would be him coercing Philip to assume a sexual position. But there they are, Lukas humming and breathing heavily into Philip’s mouth while Philip grinds down against Lukas’ pelvis, their jeans rubbing together in ways that take sleeping out of the immediate equation. They’re both tired, sure, but clearly neither are too tired for a boner.

 

It’s only moments before Lukas brings his hands back up to Philip’s head, his hands fisting in Philip’s brown hair, and he grinds up into Philip’s hips, licking into his mouth again. Their breath is hot and definitely heavy as they kiss, both of them knowing that they don’t really get free chances like this. Lukas grabs Philip’s hair one more time before he rolls them over, Philip’s legs bracketing Lukas’ ribs as Lukas grinds into his ass, moving his mouth away to kiss Philip’s neck.

 

They break apart so Lukas can throw off his shirt before immediately diving back down to kiss Philip again.

 

Philip almost forgets that Helen and Gabe still live there. “Wait,” he says, pushing on Lukas’ chest a little, and Lukas just looks back at him wide-eyed, confused. “Helen and Gabe can probably hear us, we should just go easy tonight.”

 

It takes a second before Lukas just nods, eyes half-lidded. “Yeah, okay. C’mere,” He says, and that’s that, Lukas is dragging Philip’s face up to kiss him again, and they’re still grinding against each other, but maybe their moans are a little more hushed now. Philip’s hands drag down Lukas’ back and he gasps a breath over Philip’s lips, pausing for a second and then coming back down more determined than ever.

 

“Lukas, _Helen and Gabe_ ,” Philip breathes, because it’s impossible to form proper sentences when Lukas is very clearly hard and also grinding into his ass with every kiss. It’s a wonder he can even remember the names of his foster parents when he’s in a position like this.

 

In response, Lukas just laughs, pulling away to give Philip a look, maybe one Philip can actually see instead of trying to kiss it off the smug boy on top of him like Philip usually does. “Well if you want me to slow down, stop doing stuff like -- like that,” Lukas says, just as Philip rakes his hands down Lukas’ back again.

 

Philip just smirks, because this is a good sign, and it means that Lukas is admitting, even just to Philip, that he finds this hot. He finds making out with a guy not just fun but he gets turned on by it, which is something Lukas has attempted to deny (at least verbally) up until this point. He has just admitted that Philip doing certain things -- like raking his hands down Lukas’ back -- turns Lukas on, and if he doesn’t stop, they’re going to have some issues with abstinence, privacy, and Helen and Gabe.

 

It makes Philip want to see how much he can get Lukas going, how much Lukas can really take until he gives up, gets scared, or decides to forget about Helen and Gabe in favour of really getting down and dirty.

 

However, as good of an idea as that is, it’s also an _awful_ idea, and Philip really doesn’t want to give Helen any more ammunition than she needs at this point. Not until everything’s over, and Philip knows he and Lukas are safe. Only then will he be okay risking Helen’s interrogation about Lukas and their homosexual teen shenanigans. No, for now they will be careful, and respectful, and if they really can’t help themselves (which is what Philip is really predicting here) they’ll just run away to Lukas’ dad’s cabin and do whatever they want out there.

 

But what harm can a little handjob action do, right?

 

At least that’s what Philip is thinking as he tries, not for the first time, to unbutton Lukas’ pants while they’re making out. And like every time before, Lukas stops him. This time, though, he looks less shaken than he has every other time, more confident. He just breaks away from Philip’s mouth to whisper, “What happened to going easy?”

 

“I gave up,” Philip smirks, kissing Lukas again, “You’re too hot.”

 

Lukas doesn’t say anything, kisses him back for a second and then pulls away again. He doesn’t speak, just looks down at Philip and says “I-- um,”

 

“What?” Philip asks, still breathy. He can’t possibly imagine what Lukas is thinking right now, or ever, like what else could be the matter if he’s already come to terms with the fact that Philip can get him hard.

 

“I don’t think I’m -- I’m not ready yet.”

 

And well, fuck, if that isn’t a good reason to stop. Philip just nods understandingly, soft smile on his face, and like the first time they were making out, he whispers, “It’s okay, it’s alright,” as he pulls Lukas back down to kiss him again.

 

Their kisses get slower eventually, especially when Lukas’ movements slow right down, and he starts whispering things like, “I was so scared,” and “I didn’t think you were coming back,” and “please don’t leave me.” It’s what he was saying when Philip started kissing him, but that just means it’s really a worry of Lukas’. He’s never actually said he missed Philip before today, and hell, Philip’s heart has been racing ever since.

 

It slows down to the point where Lukas just falls sideways on the bed, still kissing Philip occasionally, one of Philip’s legs wrapped underneath Lukas, the other one on top, and they rustle around a bit until their legs are intertwined properly, Lukas brushing Philip’s hair behind his ear as they kiss slowly on his bed.

 

They pull apart slowly, just lying there in comfortable silent for a moment, staring at each other. Their breathing has slowed as well, less heated and rushed, instead calming like their heart rates.

 

“Thank you,” Philip says, and he realizes it’s kind of nowhere, so he explains. “For bringing the gun and telling Helen the truth.”

 

Lukas sighs, staring up at Philip’s ceiling. “I would have had to tell her anyway. There were going to take you away, and I thought -- I thought there probably wasn’t a better time to do it. I don’t know why I lied in the first place.” He looks back at Philip, meeting his eye. “I’m sorry, Philip.”

 

They lie there for a while, Philip physically unable to say, “It’s okay,” again, because for a long time it wasn’t. And even now, it still hurts. But he hasn’t said anything yet, and he doesn’t want Lukas to think it means nothing that he came here, to save Philip again, and that he risked himself to do it.

 

“I mean, it sucked,” he says tentatively, because he doesn’t know what else he’s supposed to do. “But I think it’ll be better from now on, and that’s because of you, so -- thank you. I’m glad you came. I really thought you didn’t give a shit anymore.”

 

“I know,” Lukas says, looking back up at the roof. “I’m sorry for that too, Philip, I -- I just don’t know what to do. It’s all so _messed_.”

 

Philip just takes a deep breath, uses his hand to gently turn Lukas’ face back to his own. “Shhh,” he calms, looking into Lukas’ eyes. “We’ll worry about that later.”

 

And then he kisses Lukas one last time, shuffling a little so Lukas is on his back and Philip’s head is resting on his shoulder, and he closes his eyes. Just for a moment, he thinks, until they start getting heavy. “Besides,” he says, before he can forget, “it’s not as messed as your _face._ ”

 

“Hey, come on!” Lukas replies in a light-hearted half-whisper, “You’re the one with the weird nose.”

 

Philip just feels his face pull into a smile, his eyes still closed. “Shut up,” he says, a witty reply as per usual, and he drifts off to sleep.

 

  
  
  
“Goodnight, Philip,” Lukas says, somewhere far in the distance. The last thing Philip thinks is that he might be dreaming someone is kissing his head and pulling him in closer, whispering, “I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

**Author's Note:**

> as always, thank you so much for reading!!! please leave comments and criticisms, they make my day 
> 
> contact me on tumblr: grimegarage.tumblr.com


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